20 Truths:  Yumichika and Ikkaku
by Vivienne Grainger - Bleach
Summary: The most married couple in Soul Society.  Except ... they aren't.


Everything you feared to know about the cutest non-couple (maybe) in Soul Society.

A "mantra" is a saying which incorporates wisdom to live by. A "mudra" is a gesture.

Not mine, Tite Kubo's, not for profit.

1.

Ikkaku Madarame's mantra is, "Yumichika Ayasegawa and I Are. Not. A. Couple. Dammit!"

2.

Yumichika Ayasegawa's mantra is, "Perhaps Ikkaku Madarame and I are a couple, and perhaps we are not," with the addition of an eyelash-flutter mudra, because he's _such_ a tease. His follow-up mantra is, "Which of us are you interested in, anyway?" His tertiary mantra is, "Actually, never mind. –Have you considered that there may be no reason to force yourself to choose?" Usually there is next to no time lapse between the utterance of the first and the third mantra.

3.

Before Yumichika and Ikkaku came to the Eleventh Division, Ikkaku had to chant his mantra a lot. Sometimes he was forced to accompany the chant with percussion (his fists) and/or brass (his sword).

4.

After they came to the Eleventh Division, and began spending time drinking with Kenpachi Zaraki, the chanting first increased, then rapidly, as word spread, decreased.

5.

Mostly this was because taichou when single was somehow a magnet for the babes, and the overflow babe-age he could not deal with (even Kenpachi Zaraki has limits) benefitted both Yumichika and Ikkaku, and, on the good nights, Renji Abarai. On the _really_ good nights, the overflow was parceled out to anybody the three of them were standing next to as well. The Eleventh Division's relations with other divisions took on a whole new, and suspiciously sunnier, atmosphere.

6.

By the time Retsu Unohana had removed taichou from the market, Ikkaku and Yumichika established reputations of their own. Babe-age continues, and taichou isn't there to skim the cream.

7.

Speaking of babe-age: Ikkaku has had an encounter with Rangiku Matsumoto that neither will ever forget.

8.

Both try.

9.

Yumichika was also attracted to Rangiku, until he realized that Ikkaku had thoughts in that direction.

10.

Yumichika is very fond of Ikkaku, and wants to see him happy, so Yumichika cast his eyes elsewhere.

11.

"Elsewhere" is here narrowly defined as "Shuuhei Hisagi."

12.

Yumichika has a reputation for being a slut, and it's true that his affection is largely transitory. Ikkaku has a reputation for being a slut, and it's true that his affection is largely momentary.

13.

Yumichika does not mind being addressed as "Yumi."

14.

Ikkaku prefers to stick with "Yo, Madarame." "Ikky" from anyone but "Yumi" is likely to result in the user's prolonged search for his own teeth.

15.

Ikkaku is looking through folk remedies for the bald spot that encompasses his entire body. He is is desperate to have foliage: the ancient Mayan recipe for growing hair includes the application of dog urine and soapwort, and _he's tried it._ They wouldn't let him use the Eleventh Division's bath for three days after.

16.

When Ikkaku is angry with you, he finds you, pounds the snot out of you, and that is the end of the story.

17.

When Yumichika is angry with you, run to him and apologize from four different positions, two of which had better be your knees and your face. Yumichika's vengeance is much more to be feared than Ikkaku's, because bodies heal, eventually; minds may not, and take forever if they do.

18.

Yumichika's hair gel was once replaced by Yachiru with melted gummi bears. Yumichika was AWOL for three days and eventually reappeared with something that looked a lot like a wig. It wasn't, but it took another nineteen shampoos over a four-day period to get the gummi bears out.

Yachiru told him it smelled nice, anyway, upon which Yumichika moaned, and went off to shampoo for time #14.

19.

Yumichika is a small, pretty man. Ikkaku is a large, not-even-close-to-pretty man. Ikkaku knows that Yumichika's experiences when he was small, pretty, and an inexperienced fighter are probably why he refused to share a blanket with Ikkaku in winter for the first fifty-two years of their acquaintance.

20.

When, one cold night, a small body parked itself against Ikkaku's spine, suddenly there were two blankets on top of each other keeping two people somewhat less than warm. Ikkaku felt a gentle heat spreading between his heart and Yumi's that has kept both of them safe from the cold of being unloved ever since. Even though they Are. Not. A. Couple. Dammit!


End file.
